Proud Jack-of-All-Trades

The last entry prompted a memory that led me to writing the below.

Back when I met the guy who was to become my husband, I was a proud Jack-of-all-trades. Said guy teased me incessantly for it, especially highlighting, as had been described in a roleplaying game book that it also meant "master-in-none." And, for a while, it didn't bug me... and then it sort of did... and, eventually, I found myself really focusing on one thing: belly dance. Now, it's not a bad thing and I don't regret it as it certainly served its purpose and has made me the person that I am today. 

Interestingly, though, since the divorce, I've been rekindling this pride in being a Jack-of-all-trades. I like my life a little eclectic. I like to knit, crochet, sew, play piano, run, dance, cook, etc. I may not be extremely talented in any of these things but I do enjoy doing them. And that's okay.

I do believe that this culture and society is a little too focused on success or else why even bother trying? Or more like why even bother trying b/c it will take you a long time to even have a modicum of talent/skill in one area.

But do you need even that modicum if you're enjoying "the thing" (whatever it may be)? No, you don't.

Now, granted, perhaps it is foolhardy to think that you can make a living doing art if all you can do is stick figures... but then again I've seen a bunch of memes and satires using stick figures so maybe even that is doable. (Don't know if they're getting paid or not.) But if you enjoy drawing, even if it's awful, why not draw? Chances are, you'll actually get better at it. 

Again, I think that we are too focused on a certain threshold of success that you should have with things for them to be considered valuable. And I do believe that this is how art in general and appreciation of art is falling by the wayside: we don't invest in ourselves, in what makes our souls feel good, b/c it is considered futile unless you're the next (Insert Famous Person's Name). You don't need to be. It's okay. Or try it, if you've never tried it before. Enjoy what you like. 

What if you aren't who you think you are?

I know... it's a total click-bait title. ;) But it's also been reflective of something that I've been pondering on for about a month so I am unapologetically using it.

It all started with my first meeting back at Weight Watchers, when the leader explained to me the program and I mentioned at some point that, when I first lost weight several years ago, I was teaching belly dance 3 nights a week and now I run 3 days a week, am preparing for the Hot Chocolate 15k race, and still do some belly dancing. The lady said that I didn't need to worry about my exercise points (yay!) as it was clear that being active is important to me.

Say what?

I had a knee-jerk reaction to deny her assertion but stopped myself short b/c I AM running 3 times a week... and then, as I thought more about it, I remembered that what led to me running in the first place was a desire to be active. It was an aha moment that, you know what, yes, actually it IS important to me to be active. That was mind blowing b/c I had never EVER seen myself that way... even when I was teaching belly dance. (Though it was easy to dismiss that given that it's dance and not another form of physical activity.)

I mulled that over for a while and marveled about what else there might be that I've had a misalignment with.

One of the things that has been brewing for a number of years, actually, is the whole artistic side. For some reason, people view me as artistic when I shrug it off b/c I don't feel artistic myself. It's like people view me as an artist who happens to also do science whereas I feel I'm a scientist who happens to also sometimes do some artistic stuff. Now I will say that I do believe that scientists view people as being artistic if they can pair colors that don't clash too much (i.e., the threshold isn't really high) but still... what if I actually have more of an artistic side to me than I give myself credit for?

And that was probably the origin of challenging who I think I am: through artistry in belly dance. That was something that I aspired to do but I didn't know if I could pull it off or not... but I sure was going to try. For whatever reason, a certain lady who goes by the name Tempest must have seen something in me (at least in my writings on then tribe.net) and was encouraging me. And I started including more and more artistry in my dance, to the point where I could say that, at least when it came to dance, I am an artist. (Though I still struggled with typing it and not feeling like a fraud.)

Like a lot of people, I do have impostor syndrome. But beside the impostor syndrome, I do believe that something else is at play: a script that was written out during childhood... which has never been updated since.

See, when I was growing up, my parents really focused me towards doing science. I was told that it was okay not to be good at sports/physical stuff b/c I was good at science. It was okay not to be artistic b/c I was good at science. It somehow also bred a reluctance to even try b/c I was going to fail. Sadly, my marriage was plagued with a similar dissuasion of trying things b/c I just might fail but more importantly b/c it's not my strength.

What if none of that were true? What if I wasn't just good at science? What if I actually enjoy other things and it's okay not to excel at them but just enjoy them? And what if I can actually excel in some other things? What if I have changed over time? What if the script wasn't true? What if I'm no longer the person that the script applied to? What if there was no script?

The whole point of this blog is really to prompt an assessment of whether you've been running on an old script that isn't reflective of who you are today. If you try to remove that preconceived notion of who you are and were to write a new script or description of yourself as you are today, what would it be? And how different would it be from what you think you know about yourself?

The audience doesn't care...

... about your thoughts, frame of mind, insecurities, etc.

(Yes, this is somewhat of a click bait... have been reading too many of these, I suppose. lol)

This post really stems from recent comments I've heard or that have been relayed to me on my confidence on stage, which has been increasing lately.

Ever since I heard Tempest say that, come performance time, you do the best you can given the circumstances you've got, I've pretty much always embraced that philosophy. "Circumstances" can encompass a variety of things but, for me, it might be my level of readiness for the performance, amount of sleep, stress in my life in general, etc. And, of course, very much involves whatever weight I'm at. The thing is that, even if I wished really really really hard that I still had my slimmer body, it just won't happen overnight. *This* is what I've got to work with today. There's no amount of wishing that can change that.

I do think that seeing these amazingly sexy bountiful performers in the Strip Strip Hooray show this past April also helped me gain confidence in my own bountifulness... along with my partner's regular compliments and encouragements. So I've been slowly making peace with my current body shape and that it, too, can move beautifully... not just my thinner self. And I've mentioned before that I realized a few months ago that, while I was feeling self conscious about my size prior to a performance, once the music started, I was lost in the moment and my size was instantly forgotten.

I think that the combination of all of the above is what made me realize recently that, actually, the audience doesn't care at all about how I feel about my body size. What they do care about is being entertained and having a different experience than their everyday life. And that is true for any other negative thing you might be feeling. The audience doesn't care that you have all these issues going on in your life and running through your mind. It doesn't care that you have all these insecurities. It doesn't care about any of this. It WILL notice if you go out there and show any of that b/c it will affect your performance quality. You need to go out there and just do your thing because that's what they want to see.

I know firsthand that it's easier said than done but you have to shut down these negative thoughts about yourself and appear confident in yourself and in your art. I promise that, the more you perform, the easier this gets to do. But you may also need to remind yourself that all these thoughts will likely go away as soon as the music hits. And just remember that all that the audience cares about is you doing your best: the rest is in your head.

When Will You Be Enough?

I had other thoughts for what to start blogging about after my previous series, but I feel like I need to put this one out there first. Part of the reason for that is that someone posted a reply to one of my blog links on Facebook that she's a 73-year-old woman and still struggles with body image issues. And when I was visiting with my mom last week, she had a bunch of books out about learning to love herself and she's over 80 (don't tell her I said that publicly ;)).

And that breaks my heart.

I also know from personal experience that, even when I was thinner, I still had a lot of self deprecating thoughts and low self esteem. Yes, part of it was due to me rebuilding myself following the end of my marriage. But a lot of it was "other stuff".

I happened to read something interesting at the time that made me burst into tears: it was an article that essentially was asking when will you feel like you're enough? I'm quite paraphrasing here but it asked things like: You have a good career, you have a good life, you have all this goodness in your life, yet you still feel like sh!t? WTF? That obviously resonated with me at the time... and then I forgot about it.

It's so easy to forget. But I do think that I forgot about that because there now was a piece missing: my slender body. But to the point of my last entry, the size and shape of my body is such a small part of my life, why am I letting it overshadow everything else?

I think that it is extremely difficult oftentimes to admit that you are as awesome as you actually are. It feels first off like it shouldn't be said at all. And if you muster the will to say it, you feel like you're a fraud and/or that you're arrogant for doing so. You're neither. It's okay to say it and think it. And the more you say it, the more you'll believe it. Because you are. Lots of people think so. How come people believe in yourself more than you do?

Another concept of "when" is time. If you think that you'll reach some age when you'll have self confidence and will feel uber good about yourself, based on the above 2 examples (granted, it's a small sample size), there is no magical age when that happens. And, because of that, you might as well start working on loving yourself like right now.

And do ponder on what would it take for you to feel like you're good enough? What more do you need to achieve or be or whatnot? And is that really something that is needed or regrets? And are you using these as an excuse not to acknowledge how pretty darn awesome you already are?

Learn to make peace with your body - Epiphanies

Of course, the rebellion that I referred to in the last entry, while a good thing, did not instantly wipe my body image issues. I had gained some weight and continued to gain a little bit more as the (eating) pendulum was now swinging the other way.

Feeling the clothes get tighter around my body wasn't a good feeling. And it's easier to hide things with clothes but, while you can still use some smoke and mirrors to help, putting on a belly dance costume makes it harder to hide things, especially around the mid-section. And, well, when I'm in belly dance class, practice wear isn't as apt to play smoke and mirrors so it was fairly in my face.

Not only were body image issues coming back but so did negative thoughts around weight gain and feeling like I was a failure, I let myself down, and insert whatever you can think of that your negative backtalk throws at you.

One thing that I was not expecting at all, though, was a deep sense of familiarity: I had spent a number of years in some version of this more voluptuous body... for much longer than my slender version, actually... so I knew how to dress this body, how to wear things that were flattering. And when it comes to belly dance, I found that it was easier to work this tool than the slender version, especially as I was working back on my dance skills.

A difference, though, is that, since I didn't want to outright buy a new wardrobe, I'm wearing clothes that are more tight fitting than I'm used to... and I find that I'm generally okay with it. My partner still finds me beautiful and sexy and actually encourages me not to hide my body under bigger clothes but celebrate my shapes and curves.

But, still, it was hard to see certain bulges that I had hoped to God I'd never see again.

Fatefully, we went to see Strip Strip Hooray in April. I had blogged about that on the makeup blog so I won't rehash here (you can read the post here) but I will say that I re-introduced makeup to my routine. One thing that is not on the other blog entry is that my partner cautioned me that I shouldn't use makeup as a shield as I had before: I shouldn't hide myself but should only do it if it was making me happy and if it was fun.

Thanks to reading the book where Dita talks about how she has created the sort of glamorous life and environment that she wants to live in, I started using the word "glamorous" to describe dolling myself up... but also to describe my life in general, especially when indulging in things. The more I've been using the word "glamorous", the more I've been in love with the term as it doesn't conjure up a specific size, age, gender, sexual identity, etc. And it's been doing wonders for my self-esteem! Let's face it: who doesn't want to feel glamorous?

But, yanno, again, there are good days and bad days, right?

The biggest epiphany happened while we were at an industrial show in town. It was quite hot (for Seattle) so I decided to wear something more comfortable and, by default, more casual too. Before leaving home, I was bemoaning that I had some awesome goth clothes that don't quite fit anymore. And then we get there and a bunch of girls are all decked out. I was flooded with memories of when ex-husband and I would go to a goth club for NYE and I'd be looking at the girls who looked splendid in their outfits and vow to myself that the next year would be the year when I'd lose the weight and I'd looking like that too.

As I was lost in nostalgia and sadness associated with the many years of having these thoughts only to eventually succeed but have a short-lived success (I had it... I lost it!), I started to notice that the girls around us at the show were being omg, so annoying: they didn't have any sense of the space that they took and would bump into my partner and this one girl kept talking/yelling to this guy (dude, it's a loud bar)... and then I took stock of the situation... and I got angry at myself... I had pined for years to be like one of those vaporous girls? Only good looks but no substance? And no manners to boot? That's sort of dumb, isn't it?

What if, instead, I was perfect just the way I am?... just like my partner and several dear close friends have told me repeatedly, actually. How much time have I spent hating my body? Don't I have a wonderful life otherwise?

And that was the crux, really: it dawned on me that my worrying over my body size and shape was completely and utterly disproportionate with how much it really affected my life. Not only that but I know full well from my own experience that, even when I was slender, I STILL had issues with my body. What the hell?

Shortly after this revelation, I had a gig where the costume I brought wasn't fitting super well anymore and I was feeling self conscious because I knew that I could have looked better in a different costume. But you know what? When the music started, all of that was forgotten and all that I could think of was moving my body in response to the music and emoting what the music was making me feel... not what I looked like in that costume.

So it's high time for a new outlook on things.

I have a very loving and supportive partner, I have a few wonderful close friends, I have a good job, I'm a good dancer, and I live in an awesome city. Are my body image issues really worth fretting over that much? Isn't it small potatoes compared to all the goodness in my life?

Really, if you take anything away from this series of blog entries, it's that I strongly believe that we all spend an overly inordinate amount of time worrying about our bodies and image when, really, we shouldn't.

So, yeah, time to stop the negative talk and have a change in attitude. Of course, it's easier said than done. ;) I'll have more thoughts on that in another entry.

Learn to make peace with your body - The rebellion

What I call the "rebellion" occurred over many stages but the start of it was after the bad Weight Watchers meeting that I mentioned in the previous post.

The bad meeting happened around the Holidays last year. I managed to get to a meeting just before Christmas and, because of the Holidays schedule, it wasn't my normal day so it was a different leader. The topic was about setting a goal for yourself for the Holidays that would be reasonable and make you proud... and that could even be a weight gain... that was fine. Essentially, just as long as you were aware of what you were doing and shooting for, it was fine. Sounds like a great idea, ya?

My goal was to indulge a little and enjoy the food without guilt and even if I gained a little, it was going to be fine; I'd recommit fully after the Holidays and work really hard at it. I will skip details but, as we're sharing our goals by show of hands, the leader ended up putting me on the spot, asking why I was planning on a weight gain when I was staying home and wasn't going to have as many temptations. I don't know if my face crumbled or if she just plain realized that she had misstepped but she tried to take it back... but the damage was done. I was already feeling shaky about my efforts with Weight Watchers and was pissed off both at the change in the plan and for having been made to feel like I wasn't working hard enough when I was trying to be compassionate with myself (which is actually part of the new plan). So that sort of sealed the deal and I never went back to a meeting.

(I feel the need to add a caveat that, except for this one incident, I've always found leaders to be very supportive. This was really an anomaly but perhaps something that I needed to hear in a way.)

As I was left with a sour taste in my mouth from the disappointment of Weight Watchers not really working again and having issues finding a gym that would work for us, I realized a few things.

I had just moved to a new city where the food is, omg, so amazing! And my partner was cooking awesome dishes. However, because of Weight Watchers, I routinely had to choose between tracking accurately and not partaking in the awesome food or having the awesome food but being iffy on the tracking. Whichever decision I made, I would end up feeling frustrated.

I also realized that I was thinking about food literally all... the.... time... and it was very unhealthy for me. I was obsessing in all the ways: did I eat too much? too little? is it time for a snack or meal yet? there's this thing I'd like to eat but I can't (so it's coming back around in my head periodically)... what should I have for dinner? what can I have for dinner? You get the idea.

The nail in that proverbial coffin was during one of those moments when I was reminiscing and missing my more slender body... and I remembered that, for all that it was awesome to be able to wear whatever I wanted and that putting on a belly dance costume was much easier, it actually wasn't as awesome as I thought it would be. :o It sounds shocking but it's true.

Here, I may need to explain that I had embarked on the losing weight journey with Weight Watchers because I was feeling extremely depressed about myself and my life and I thought that my weight was the biggest issue and that, if that was taken care of, I'd be super duper happy. But then the weight fell off and I still had a lot of lows... and it turns out that weight was not the biggest culprit after all.

Not only that but maintaining that weight was extremely hard. It's very likely that my target weight turned out to be too low to be sustainable long-term. Could I really picture myself eating that way for the rest of my life? Or did that seem too much? This is when the converse of the above happened in that, all aspects of my life were awesome except that I had this obsession with food that prevented me from enjoying eating without guilt.

So I gave up on dieting and tracking. Time is short, I'm 43, I want to enjoy life, including enjoying food. Mainly, I've tried to give up on guilt over enjoying food and about eating period.

More to come again...

Learn to make peace with your body - Preamble

This blog has traditionally been about belly dance. I've had many thoughts lately for entries that may not quite fit exactly for belly dance but they do sort of in a way so, while I have contemplated creating a different blog for these, since it's actually titled "Celeste's Musings", it fits to put them here.

I've been battling a lot of body image issues for a while now and this will be the topic of a series of posts as well as other things that sprang to mind in the midst of contemplating all that.

A lot of people are aware that, back in 2011, I decided to embark on a weight loss journey, using the Weight Watchers plan. It worked really well for me. While there were some set backs and it did take well over a year, I lost 50 lbs and was happy to have a much slimmer body.

And then I became a statistics (aren't we all?)... the one about most people who lose weight gain some if not all of it back.

Four years later, I've indeed gained back quite a bit of weight. Well, actually, technically all the weight back, only I'm slimmer than when I started because I did put on some muscles over the years (thankfully). They do say at Weight Watchers that keeping the weight off is one of the hardest things to do and it sure proved to be true for me.

There really was a succession of events that lead to this result. I divorced my husband and, while I was the one who left, it did affect me a lot and I had a lot of grieving to do and it sort of sent my metabolism in high gear and I could nearly eat anything I wanted and was maintaining my weight. Unfortunately, that lead to developing some bad habits. And then I closed my dance studio, which meant that I was suddenly way more sedentary than I had been in many years. And I got into the nesting/happy period of a relationship so we really were very sedentary (Netflix and... ice cream and pizza). I rationally understood what happened and that I should be compassionate towards myself in general but I often couldn't reach for that compassion.

While all this was happening, I did go off the Weight Watchers program and then went back to it (on top of having rekindled lifting weights a while before), determined that if I could do it once, I could do it again. However, I didn't see much results and then had to put things a bit on hold as I was dealing with the stress and overwhelming nature of making the big life changes of quitting my long-time job and moving to a new city. The Weight Watchers program changed yet again (groan) last November and I had a bad meeting where the leader pissed me off and I went off the program again last December.

I am generally so much happier in my life, being in a healthy relationship, having moved to a city that I absolutely love, having a job in a company where I am more valued... but my weight but even more so my body image issues associated with my weight have tainted that happy picture. I can't help to feel like a failure, like I let myself down. I'm even ashamed. I'm not saying these things to get reassurances but to give an idea of where my emotions are.

So I knew that I had to do something about it. And the answer was more about my headspace, emotions, and self confidence than about dieting and exercising to get my body back.

More to come...

When you've lost your way...

Tempest's post (http://darklydramatic.blogspot.com/2016/04/dance-at-oceans-edge.html) has resonated with a lot of us in the dance community. Sadly, there's a lot of toxicity that happens that saps the joy out of dancing. And the longer you've done it and the higher level you're at, the worse it gets. But sometimes it's just that (to borrow the metaphor), the beach and the ocean doesn't call to you as much anymore.

Dance used to be so very important and prominent in my life... and it just isn't at the same level anymore. I almost quit a number of times but yet I could never quite stop either. While I could explain all the reasons for it all, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is about what to do when you're in that funk.

And the funk I'm talking here is not just the one that happens every so often when you are somewhat dissatisfied with your dance and wish for more. I'm talking about the "should I stay or should I go" kind where you're not even sure if you want to keep dancing anymore.

Take a break or slow down

You may have been going full throttle for too long and may need a break or at least to slow down and simply not jump on every event that shows up and perhaps lighten your class schedule (whether you're a teacher or a student). Maybe you need to spend time doing something else for a little bit. And that's fine.

One great piece of advice that I got from Belladonna was something that Artemis had once told her, which is that "dance is a patient mistress... and will always be there for you when you are ready." I can vouch firsthand that she is a relentless one. I danced for 5 years while I was in Quebec and took a 4-year break then started again 11.5 years ago and, as I've said above, I haven't been able to quite stop entirely this time... nor do I think it will happen.

Be choosy of where you spend your energy

It's sort of goes with the break and slow down but be more careful and choosy about where you do spend your energy during this period... and I dare say in the future as well. When you're going full throttle, you're likely not noticing where you are expending energy needlessly/pointlessly. Yet you'll find yourself sometimes completely wiped and won't know why. Strive to pick events that feel good for you, those that you have enjoyed in the past. If something had felt toxic in the past, consider not doing it at all.

Whatever you decide, try not to engage in the wonky energy that can sometimes arise from events. Note that, if you're burned out on things, you actually may be more sensitive and/or have less capacity to handle the electric energy of an event. If needed, physically remove yourself from the event and be a little bit of a hermit. People will understand. I've had to do that and have explained to some close friends why I may have seemed distant and, of course, they all understood. 

Forget about the guilt

Easier said than done... I know that firsthand. But, as you're spending less time on dance, you might feel guilty. You have invested a lot of time and energy and money on this dance and now you're not using your time and energy in the same manner. Was it for naught? Is it really a good idea? What if you lose your skill level? You had worked so hard to get to this point, what if you lose it all?

Well, really, you won't lose it all. Trust me, your brain and body will remember and it will come back quickly. And it's actually sometimes good to take a step back and then charge forward again with a different slate and especially a different state of mind. And, who knows, you might be able to pick up things that you could have improved on or done differently that would have been difficult to change before.

And even if, at the end of the day, you do decide to stop dancing, it still hasn't been for naught: you had fun while you did it, you got a good experience, and, yes, perhaps it is time to move on. You may find yourself dancing again some day or not. Moves can be re-learned and costuming can be re-bought.

Spend time on yourself

Spend time just for yourself, doing what you want, without obligation. Rediscover who you are and what you enjoy. Dance may have been there for a reason, perhaps as a healing mechanism. If you're all healed now, then what? In my case, dance was a way in which I could feel things because I was an emotional zombie. Well now that I'm feeling on a daily basis, now what? You don't have to have the answers to that (see below).

Things to ponder

As I alluded in the previous section, as you're spending time rediscovering yourself, some questions will pop to mind. One question that usually plagues us is "what do I want to do in/with my dance?" And that is a very loaded question and can be anxiety provoking as you're contemplating what to do next. Since you likely won't know the answer to that, it may feel like all the more reason to stop. Because if you don't know, then what's the point, right? Well, maybe you don't need to know exactly.

Earlier this year, I was asking myself that very question and agonizing over the fact that I absolutely had no idea what the answer was when I remembered some questions that Ariellah asked in one (or more?) of her artistic workshops. I forget what the source of those questions was and I forget what the exact questions were but they were easier to answer and not so loaded.

Inspired by that memory, I started asking myself what would a successful performance look and feel like? What do I want to put out there in my dance? What do I enjoy putting out there? What feels good to me? Interestingly enough, the answer to those questions were actually the same as before... perhaps with less pressure, though. It most certainly was refreshing to just focus on that instead of the anguish-provoking existential questions.

Another thought is to think back upon a time when dance was fun for you. Think of a performance that especially felt good and that you were proud of. What happened then? What was it about? Any way to get back to that?

Go where inspiration takes you

One thing that's hard while you're taking a step back is being inspired. It feels like everything is meh. So that will make it hard to create something for even just a low key hafla. It sounds simple but it's actually sometimes hard to do b/c that negative voice inside you will chime in that it's not deep enough but here goes: Go wherever inspiration takes you. Don't question it too much. Just do it. (And I dare say that you should keep doing pretty much all the time.)

Inspiration may hit you in different ways than before. It might be for an event. For a partnership. Or maybe a song is calling to you. Or, heck, my last one has been being inspired and rejuvenated at the prospect of making a new costume. Whatever makes you even remotely excited, just follow that thread and see if you can find other exciting things along the way.

Answering questions

Well meaning people may ask you benignly what is going on with you since they haven't seen you as much (or at all). Know that you don't owe anyone an explanation. You can simply answer that you needed to take a step back from dancing for a bit or however you want to phrase it. But you can keep it at a very high level.

When you get back into things...

(well, should you get back into things)... you may notice that you won't necessarily have the same level of intensity in pursuing things or rather it just may be different. So that will feel odd and perhaps like you're not back "fully". Well, again, it just might be different. It's okay.

I'll put it out there but there's also a bit of a malaise in the belly dance community at the moment. Based on my own observations, the community itself feels different than  2.5 years ago, when I started being more reclusive. So it feels different also partly because things are different in general, not just because I'm different. And, of course, in my case, I've now moved across the country so, hello, more difference.

But the point that I want to make here is that different doesn't mean bad or not as interesting anymore. It just means needing to adjust to what is the reality now. And having perhaps a different outlook on things.

Giving up the perfect picture

When you're working on your piece for a performance, you will have some idea of what the perfect picture is... and you should. You also should use that to do visualization and get your mind in the game. It's really a useful tool.

That being said, at one point, you have to let go of that perfect image. Because, honestly, it is extremely rare when a performance will go exactly according to plan and to that perfect image. Therefore, it's best not to be too attached to that mental picture.

I received two pieces of advice from Tempest several years ago that essentially get at this concept.

One of the pieces of advice was that the piece isn't final until it's performed.  Meaning that it's a draft until then. And, from my experience, each time I perform, the piece is slightly different or, sometimes, drastically different. (As a disclaimer, I'm doing a whole lot of improv when I dance so that contributes to that.) But even when the piece is rather fully fleshed out, it will vary from performance to performance. You could view it as when you tell a story: the exact way that you tell a story will vary from time to time.

The other very good advice is to do the best that you can with the circumstances of the day. In the perfect picture, you'd be perfectly composed, in charge, feeling awesome, etc. In reality, you may have come out of a workshop and rushing to get ready for the performance or you didn't sleep enough the night before or you didn't hydrate well enough or eaten enough or you are sick that day or all of the above together or any other circumstance. Meaning that a lot of things can affect your performance capacity on any given day. Do the best that you can with it all and that's all that matters.

When you're too attached to the perfect picture that you have in your head, it will actually hinder you. How? You'll fight whatever is happening. So you were supposed to turn right and you turned left... oh well... keep on going... You were supposed to do a shimmy at this spot and it didn't happen? No one will know. But if you stop your spin midway to go the other way or force a shimmy somewhere else just 'cause, it will show and the piece will look like it's hiccuping. Moreover, you'll have this look on your face that says "oh no! I've messed up!" and people will read it. (If you have a good poker face, it may not show.)

The other thing is that, when these things happen, you'll end up being in your head too much instead of being in the moment. You really do need to be in the moment to be able to emote the emotions and fully flow with the piece.

I think, though, that the most detrimental end result of holding onto to that perfect image is that you will not be satisfied with your piece... and that's really terrible. It's also quite infuriating because you would be attempting to achieve something that is really unattainable. So if you consistently feel like you never perform well enough, assess whether you have that image that is sticking too much in your head. Again, use it as a tool to help you visualize what you want to achieve but then let it go. Try to be Zen about it. You will find yourself much more satisfied with your performances.

Event Drop

While I'm writing this post under my belly dance blog, this phenomenon can happen after any kind of event: convention, weekend camping, vacation. etc. Essentially, anything that takes you out of your normal routine has the likelihood of bringing event drop... and the more different from your usual routine and the more fun you have, the greater the drop. And how long the event was will also factor into the amount of drop.

Symptoms
So what are some of the symptoms of the drop:

• Lethargy
• Tiredness/sleepiness
• Depression
• Getting teary-eyed easily to downright crying your eyes out
• Sense of loss for your friends who aren't there and feeling lost in general
• Sleeping for long hours or not being able to sleep at all. Or sleeping at odd hours. (Especially if there was a time zone difference.)
• Loss of interest for normal stuff
• Having issues talking to regular people correctly (i.e., having issues readjusting your filters for the regular environment and/or talking about things that other people have no idea what they are)
• Wanting to go back to that happy place
• Feeling like your life sucks right now
• How can you go on living like this?

And the list could go on.

When that happens: don't panic!!!! It's actually normal! That's event drop. It will get better. I promise.

Treatments

Really, time is what will "cure" the event drop. You'll settle back into your routine and normal life and it will be all fine. You will remember the fun times and miss it but it will be with fondness and not the sense of loss that you're feeling right after the event. So the below are not so much 'treatments' of course as they are tips to handle this time.

• Be kind to yourself! This is so very important b/c you may end up having some thoughts pop through your head like you're stupid or childish for feeling this way. No, you're not. And everything will seem hard. It's normal. It takes time. 
• Drink water. That sounds corny, doesn't it? But chances are, you will have neglected to drink enough water and are dehydrated. So drink up.
• Be careful with alcohol intake. See the bullet above about dehydration. But also remember that alcohol tends to make people more depressed so it will only enhance the symptoms instead of dulling them.
• Eat well. You likely ate whatever was available at the event, which may or may not have been healthy for you. So try to eat some actual good food that will help restore your body. And you may not feel hungry b/c of the symptoms so you may need to force feed yourself.
• Indulge... in moderation. Sure, if you want ice cream b/c it will make you feel better, go ahead. But be careful as this can be a slippery slope as emotional eating can be a tricky thing. But if it makes you feel a bit better to indulge, go ahead. Just keep an eye out for whether it's creeping in for too long.
• Snuggle up and watch a movie. Chances are you'll be brain dead to a certain extent. Snuggle up on the couch under blankies with your significant other and/or your pets and watch something mindless. 
• Plan for it. If you can, plan for the fact that all you'll want to do will be vegging on the couch when getting back from the event and whatever that entails. For example, don't push out doing something until when you get back b/c you likely won't do it. I will actually often will make sure that I have good food in the house for when I get back home b/c I won't want to go to the store that night... and maybe not even the next day after I get back.
• Get back to your routine as quickly as you can. Your routine anchors things for you and trigger that you are back to what you normally do... which is excruciating when you have event drop but you do need to prompt your brain that it's back to routine now. And it's really hard on the sleeping schedule, especially if there was a time zone shift. But try to eat when you normally do, go to sleep when you normally do, and if you have a bed time routine (or waking time routine), just do that too.
• Be kind to yourself. It bears repeating so here... I repeated it. :) And it's fine also to say to people you encounter that you just came back from an event and it was so much fun but you're a little out of it now. People will understand. And then you don't have to put on a front so much.

Again, time will make it better... just do what you need to do to take care of yourself in the meantime.

Con crud

As if the drop was not enough, there is such a thing as "con crud", aka getting sick after an event. If you've traveled by plane or have been around lots of people (for example, Gen Con or Dragon Con), you may actually get sick and have a fever, sore throat, coughing, sneezing, headache, etc. Rest is what you need when you suspect you might be coming down with con crud. Well, essentially treat it like when you're coming down with a cold b/c it's very similar, so rest, fluids, chicken soup, etc.

In conclusion...

Hopefully these tips will help. I know firsthand how weird it feels to be so energized for things when you're at the event, only to go home and just not want to do anything anymore. It's jarring and a WTF moment... but it's normal... and it will pass.

Open Your Horizon

I've been musing on this for a while now.  There have been some interesting trends that I've noticed.

Back when I first learned to belly dance (1995), the internet wasn't widely used at all and few actually had access at home. Given that I was in Quebec City, Canada, there wasn't a whole lot of information being spread around about belly dance. I was at the mercy of my instructor to know what was going on in the belly dance world (and she wasn't one for sharing information). Back in those days, you'd be lucky if you could find a catalog that carried belly dance VHS and even if you did find it, the price would be exorbitant... add the currency conversion (since I was in Canada)... and duty... and the cost was very prohibitive.

Once more people started getting internet at home, finding information was oh so much easier. During the glory years of tribe.net (remember that?), it was easy to find information on any topic that you were interested. We had so many different tribes (i.e., message boards) on specific topics. It made finding information easy. Events were also promoted there.  I thought for sure that, given how information was so easy to find, it would enable us all to broaden our horizons and learn more about everything belly dance well beyond your neck of the woods.

And, for a while, that was true. Everyone seemed to know the big names in the belly dance world. And whether you were tribal or cabaret, you knew at least the big names for the other style and got to learn about a number of awesome smaller names in your style. Events were well attended by people from neighboring cities and states and sometimes well beyond (especially for festivals).  People weren't afraid to drive 3-4 hours (if not more) to attend some workshops. It seemed that dancers had a thirst for knowledge that FINALLY was being quenched.

In the Summer of 2008, there were so so so many glitches with tribe.net that it made it practically unusable. It definitely was very frustrating to try to use the darn site... I remember full well. A bunch of people decided to recreate some tribe-like feel on Facebook. Well, Facebook, ain't tribe... but back then, actually, groups were more like message boards so, for a bit, it worked out okay. That being said, finding information in general and definitely finding information for event was a little tricky as we were all trying to figure out how to use Facebook.

Well, you know what else happened in 2008? That's right: the economy took a real bad turn. So besides having a hard time finding the information about events easily, people didn't have as much disposable income for traveling far and wide to all events and would pick and choose which ones they were attending. So events (and classes) weren't as well attended in general.

But, for a while, it seemed like people were at least keeping a minimum of interest, enough to still know what was going on in the belly dance world in general (i.e., beyond their local community). So while people couldn't travel as much, the fountain of knowledge was still there and people were still drinking from it.

What happened since then? Well, things have been hiccuping. For all that we're told that the economy is getting better, either people are being more frugal and keep their disposable income in their savings account or the economy isn't that much better... or it could be that the belly dance revival that happened in the late 90s-2000s is over with. Only time will tell.

One thing that has me concerned, though, is that I've noticed that people won't even travel a few hours for a weekend of workshops with a renown instructor. Instead, they'll just attend their local events and not expand their horizons. While I'm all for promoting and participating in your local belly dance community, I feel that, without seeking out new knowledge, growth will be harder to reach.

But I get it, the cost of events, even just a few hours from your home, may be prohibitive. Okay, fine. What has me even more concerned, though, is that I notice that so many new belly dancers have no idea who renown belly dancers are but they will only know their local dancers. Again, while I'm all for knowing and interacting with your local community, it's important to also get to know contemporary and historical names in the belly dance world.  And, again, with the internet, you have no excuse for not finding that information! It's available at your fingertips! Look at videos on youtube, search on google, look up groups on Facebook, when in doubt, ask an instructor for pointers (and if they don't know, they should find out). The fountain of knowledge is still there... please drink from it!

I invite everyone to branch out and open your horizon to gain more knowledge about this art form that you love so dearly.

Play date vs. Baby Frankenstein

I’ve heard some ghastly music mixes in performances over the years. One time, the performance was like 3 minutes long and there were like 6 different pieces used. Seriously, folks, it’s really annoying to hear the music suddenly switch from piece A to piece B without any editing in-between. ESPECIALLY if the pieces don’t have any relationship to one another.  Beyond the annoyance for the ears, it detracts from your performance! My brain has to switch from A to B quickly and, while it’s adjusting, I’m totally missing the dancing that you’re doing! So, once again, I’d like to make a plea for better music editing.

This is really my opinion and you don’t have to agree with me but I have huge issues with using only small portions of a piece in my performances.  I tend to use the whole piece.  I’ve seldom done some music mixes because of that.  To me, up to a certain point, if you are using only bits and pieces of a music piece, you’re kind of deconstructing someone else’s art for your own needs. And I have some issues with that.  Now, I do love industrial music and we all know that they do sampling quite a bit… and that’s fine. But may I point out that they do it with artistry and the insertion of those elements is so well done that it’s seamless.  Also, both with industrial music and electronica, it can get repetitive so I understand cutting such music; if you do, I’d like to hear a representative portion of the piece, though.

I know enough musicians to know that their music is their children… just like my dances are my children.  So I view performances as actually a play date between my child and the musician(s)’s child.  And, yes, it’s possible to have a play date with more than 2 children, of course! You can invite other musician’s “children” to play but, just like in real life, it shouldn’t be complete and utter chaos.  In real life, if play dates were too chaotic, the parents would put an end to it or go with smaller numbers. Similar analogy with your mixes.

Also, try not to make a baby Frankenstein. Sometimes, I’ll hear mixes where the songs have so little to do with each other that it totally felt like someone patchworked a baby Frankenstein together (you know, like an arm comes from this child and a leg from this other child, and a torso from this other child, etc.). Just like you should be striving for your music, your costuming, your movements, your hair and makeup to work harmoniously together and have common elements, you want the pieces that you’re using to work together and create a seamless story.

I don’t know if these tendencies to want to mix music that have nothing to do with each other is a by-product of wanting to perform them all and feeling like there aren’t enough opportunities.  I totally understand that there’s a lot of good music out there. But I think that it’s important for a performance to have focus and, if you use music pieces that have nothing to do with each other in your mixes, it will give a sort of schizophrenic effect of not knowing where you wanted to go. If you’ve ever watched Project Runway or Top Chef, you’ve most certainly heard the judges say something like “there are some good ideas in there but this lacked focus.”  It’s like that.

Believe me, based on the few times that I’ve had to mix or cut music, it takes a long time to get a seamless effect (and, yes, even with doing just a cut). There are tons of softwares out there, some free, to help you out (I use Audacity). But it still takes time.  So take the time. And, no, it’s not something that you can pull off at the last second unless you are very experienced with these editing softwares. If you don’t have time to do a good job (I understand being pressed for time), try to find a DJ who can help you with that. There are a lot of DJs out there and a good one should be able to mix your pieces very seamlessly.

So when you’re picking out the different pieces that you want to mix together, think of the story and mood that you are weaving together.  Consider that you’ll most likely need to adjust the mood with each piece… even if they’re all about, say, sadness. No two pieces are exactly alike. How are you going to transition the pieces from one to the other musically? And how will that affect your dancing? 

What progression are you going for? Worst mixes are going up-down-up-down… e.g., happy, anger, love, more anger, hope, hate, etc.  So strive instead for some sort of progression… something that would make sense in the real world. People are rarely this chaotic in their emotions (PMS excluded, of course). And, throughout, keep in the back of your mind this question: What is the overarching theme of the whole piece? That should help you figure out how to order things.

It's never as bad as you think...

Last January, when we did the Museum Quality intensive, I knew that I was going to present a piece where I would receive feedback. It was strangely more nerve racking than regular performing is nowadays. It eventually dawned on me that the issue was that, for once, I would hear out loud what folks were thinking while I was performing. And then I realized that it meant that I had moved beyond worrying what folks think about my performance. Believe me, it took me years to get there.

This is probably one of THE worst fear when one performs (at least for a while): what will people think?

Well, I've done a number of workshops now where there is a critique portion to your dancing and I've actually sought critiques from mentors and, let me tell you: it's never nearly as bad you think.

What is playing in your head, really, is your own self-critique (which is always way off, by the way) and your fears playing in your head. It sounds like a cliché to say this but you are your own worst critique.

Honestly, first of all, no one will ever tell you anyway what they think. Or if they do, they will restrict it to just talking about the good.

But you're still wondering, right? What else are they thinking?

Again, in my experience of receiving feedback, I've rarely received something that is out of left field... except actually for compliments. When it comes to the areas for improvement, the truth is that I often actually already knew what some of those were but either it hadn't bubbled up to the conscious level yet or I hadn't found a way to work on those items yet. It's very rare indeed that something will come out that you weren't aware of but it does happen.

So, again, it's not like you didn't self-critique already on those points.

The bottom line is that, indeed, you should do your own dance and don't give a *beep* about what other folks think. You'll think worse anyway. And, really, the only person that you should aim to please with your performance is you... but that is a topic deserving its own entry. ;)

No less than full love

When it comes down to choosing your music for your next performance, accept no less than full love for the music. What I mean by that is that you need to be rather madly in love with the piece. We'll explore below the advantages of that.

Madly in love

Before we do, though, I want to explain the concept of "madly in love." The manifestations will vary from person to person. I once met someone who said that she never loved a piece of music yet I'd often hear her say when a piece was starting "Oh, I like that piece!" with a sigh. She didn't realize it but that was love for the piece right there. Some people are more exuberant (I most certainly am) so it's easier to notice that attraction to the music. So anything that makes you go "Oh, I like this!" could potentially be a contender for you to dance on.

Narrowing it down

That being said, not every piece of music that you love will be danced to. You'll need to narrow it down. There are some pieces that you will love but they won't be fitting for the style of dancing that you do or with your normal aesthetic. I'm not saying that you can't do a departure from your regular style but rather that you want to choose when you do. Also, there may be some pieces that will fit better for some events/venues/audiences than others so that's another thing to keep in mind when choosing your piece.

Be careful of the academic love

Sometimes, you'll love a piece of music but it's because it gives your brain a spin and not because it's inspiring you artistically. I've had that happen to me once where I loved the piece of music but it was really academic love. And the end result was not up to par to what I wanted to deliver. So strive for something that will inspire you artistically.  You'll know that it's the case when you're starting to have images pop in your head or movements are just coming to mind.

Holiday theme

In line with this, be careful also when selecting a piece of music for a specific time of year. I think that the biggest culprits that I see is around the themed events or Holiday (any) where folks feel an urge to go for the staples of said Holiday. If you really really really love it, sure, go ahead. But this is generally where I see performers not put in their full effort. I dare you to do better. I dare you to find something that is in the spirit of the Holiday (whichever one) or theme and still do art in it.

You'll know it in your gut

It sounds corny to say but it's very true: you'll know it's the right piece to dance to when you feel it in your gut. Your belly (some would say your liver... see this post by Tempest) will react to the song and you'll feel a tug. You'll just know. Trust me.

Do not back down or pass up a song you're afraid of

This took me a long time to realize and I still have to fight with myself over it: there have been a number of pieces over the years (especially early on) that I passed up because I was afraid of them. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do them justice and it saddened me so much that it paralyzed me out of action. Once I started doing pieces that I was absolutely madly in love with, I realized the power that they held... most importantly, those are pieces that made me grow exponentially.  You're afraid because maybe it will be hard to pull off... but you know what? Working on it hard and pulling it off will make you grow and make you into a better dancer and performer... even into a better human being, depending on the work and findings that you've done/had. ;)  The pieces that I was most afraid of turned out to be my biggest successes.

Here's a quote from The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield (it's a great book... super short... I highly recommend to read it! I think that it was originally Ariellah who recommended this book in a workshop):

“Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do.

Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.

Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That's why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there'd be no Resistance.”

Benefits

So the benefits when you absolutely love a piece of music are two-fold:

1. Easier to work with

It's counter-intuitive because it most certainly won't feel that way at first. But if you are really inspired by a piece of music, it will be much easier to come up with creative combos, movements, etc., than it would if you only kind of like a piece.  You'll just need to break through the ice first.

2. Easier to connect with

If you already have a relationship with the piece of music, it will be much easier to keep the connection going. If you've ever had to work with someone else's piece of music that you were just okay with, you know how hard it is to work your way through connecting with the music.

Hold on to the feeling

Now, if you are so in love with the piece, you may have some extra stage fright over delivering the piece. I tell my students to hold on to what the piece makes you feel like. It's your one thing that you can be sure of. Hold on to that and all the work that you've put in and deliver what the piece makes YOU feel. The rest is fluff.  Sincerely, using that love for the piece and harnessing it to project out that feeling will help you deliver your best performance to date. 

[And, yes, it can be dark! ;)]

Purchase vs. Make it

(Just a quick post as I'm coming back from an amazing event and am still in the catch-up mode of it all and I'm putting finishing touches on my own event.)

It's no secret that I buy the majority of my costumes or now I've actually started to have them made custom for me. Here's my rationale for purchasing: they know what they are doing so it takes them less time and will yield better results.

See, I'm good at sewing but I'm good enough to get me into trouble and have a general idea of how to do things but not enough to fully pull it off for it to look professional enough.  Truth is, if I didn't have a day job, I could probably do a better job at costuming than I do. But I happen to have a day job.  And we can really say that belly dance is a second job for me. I do spend a minimum of 7 hours in the studio each week teaching. And then I need to spend a bit of time on my own personal practice. And I have gigs or events. And I have to sleep. And spend time with the husband. Heck, there are some friends who I barely see because I'm so busy! So if we add costuming to the list of things that I have to do, I quite frankly don't have time to do as good a job as I'd like to.

So instead of having a subpar costume, I purchase my pieces. There are a number of very talented ladies  who will do a better job and do it faster than I could.  So, sure, on the surface, it would cost less if I made it myself... but that's when you count the cost of materials only. Add in the amount of time that it would take you to do it and consider giving yourself minimum wage for those hours. It doesn't take long for you to figure out that item X that seems pricey is actually reasonably priced.

AND the amount of time that I'd be spending on costuming is actually time that I wouldn't spend on my own dance. I fully take to heart Asharah's advice about it's better to be a well rounded dancer than having a ton of costumes. That goes in the knowledge vs. trinket mindset for choosing how to spend your money as well as how to spend your time.  If a costume would take me even a meager 10 hours to do (in costume time, that's not a lot), then that's 10 hours that I can't spend dancing and honing my skills... or resting. Because you do need rest.  Also, chances are, what would take me 10 hours, might take 5 hours (or less) to someone who is more skilled at costuming than I am.

See the math?

Now, obviously, purchased costumes are not free... but there are ways to maximize the investments. Sets are great but if it's something that can only be worn together, then you have one costume. If you have a bra and a belt that can be worn with other items, then you have more than one costume options in your stash.  It's really kind of like most advice on work wardrobe: buy separates that can be worn with other stuff.

Also, beware of the "OMG! This is awesome!" effect. So you're madly in love with a piece but it's pricey. Think about it for a minute and analyze whether it would work with what you have or where your dancing is going.  If the items are nice but you'd need a whole new everything with it, it may not be worth investing (unless you are looking into investing).  If your style is fusion but the item is screaming cabaret, it may not be what you want (unless, of course, you're going cabaret).  And think about whether it's too similar to something that you already have. I've been guilty of essentially buying very similar items in the past because, well, I liked them... which is a duh! moment.  Think of the color schemes that you have and those that you do not have but maybe want to branch out towards.

So, before embarking on a costume making endeavor, ask yourself where your time will be better spent: making the costume or dancing?  And be honest about the amount of time it would take you to make the item(s).  Some items are worth your time like a simple skirt or simple pantaloons. But, for other items, it may not be so. If you do decide to do the costume, start it early enough so that you don't have to be sewing the day of the performance. So, yes, this would require planning ahead of time.


And remember: you can always resell the items that you purchase. Of course you won't get the full price but the items can be resold to a portion of the price and be enjoyed by someone else... thus giving you money to re-invest in more costuming.


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I think that it's only fair that I tell you where I get my more unique stuff.

Tombo Studio, featuring Anaar's amazing skills: http://www.tombostudio.com/
Note that she has an Etsy store. She made an overskirt for me as well as my (now) infamous bra with feathers and metal wings. And she's making me something new that will make its debut very soon.

Geisha Moth: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Geisha-Moth/101129349421
She makes all kinds of lovely items in limited quantity per fabric.  She definitely caters to all shapes and sizes.  Purchasing can be done through Etsy, flashes, and wherever she vends.  And I gotta say that a lot of her stuff (pants, skirts, cake capris), I end up wearing outside of dance a lot.

Yasemin Yildiz: http://www.tribalbazaar.com/yayicubraand.html
She makes awesome bras, belts, skirts, arm thingies, head thingies, and all kinds of shiny thingies. Her items are always attention-grabbers and properly shiny for stage.

Red Camel: http://www.redcamel.net/
Not costuming per se but where I buy most of my jewelry. You can find DIY items there and on the Tribal Bazaar site as well.

Just listening is not enough

When you're preparing for a performance, be it improv only or choreographed, you will obviously need to listen your piece... A LOT! I know that I've mentioned this before but, when I have selected my music for an upcoming performance, I listen to it back to back for like 1 hour each day for a while, typically at work or at home while doing something else.

Whether you've listened to your piece a few times only or back to back for 1 hour each day for a while, you may be surprised when you start playing with the piece in the studio/practice space that the dancing is not flowing as fast as you thought it would. What gives? Why isn't it just flowing out? You love that piece so what's wrong?

First thought that may come to mind is reconsidering whether this is the piece that you should be doing. While, sure, you can reconsider it, I would challenge you actually to keep working on it. You love the piece and you should follow your instincts. Also, quite honestly, it has been my experience that my best pieces have started very very awkward in the studio and have required a whole lot of work to make it happen... and those are the pieces from which I learned the most. So keep at it.

What I think is happening actually is a disconnect between how your ears are taking in the piece, how your brain is interpreting the sound waves, what emotions the piece evokes in you, and how your body responds to all that. First off, that's a whole lot of input that your body has to react to so it may get confused as to what it should be obeying to.

Secondly, when you're listening to the piece and not moving at the same time, your brain will generally be free to wander in whichever direction it wants to... but when you decide that it's time to dance on it, your left side of the brain may kick in too hard and is forcing your body to obey it and its very strict appreciation of the piece... or if it's your right side of the brain that kicks in too hard, you'll find yourself twirling and going "wheee!" and you'll be left wondering where the dancing went. :p Bottom line: you need both sides of the brain to work together... but it's very likely that they will fight at first. They'll eventually come to an agreement of who keeps track of what and it will get better from there.

Also, quite honestly, sometimes your body doesn't quite know what to do... and your brain may not even know what to tell the body to do. It happens. Again, it doesn't mean that you need to ditch the piece.

One striking example that I have about this phenomenon is whenever our troupe practices for an upcoming performance. We agree on a piece and everyone listens the hell out of it. Cool beans. The first time that we do our group improv to it in rehearsal, it's choppy, it's messy, and it never goes as planned. It comes as a surprise to a good number of the members. Well, the thing is that they had listened to the piece but had not tried to move to it. So now the body was going "Huh... what do you want me to do here?" and the left side of the brain is going "Where's the beat again? This is the first time that I'm hearing this!" and the right side of the brain is going "What do you mean I can't play now? I know that piece!" ;) Then we do it again and it gets better and better.

There are two take away messages that I want you to get from this blog post:

1. If the first attempt at working on a piece isn't perfect: do not despair! It will get better!
2. For all that I'd love to tell you that you can just pick a song and dance to it right away flawlessly, that'd be a lie. Just listening to a piece is not enough. You need to actually move to it too to get ready.

Go all out!

This is a post that I meant to do right after 3rd Coast Tribal but then I forgot and time passed and all that. ;) It was particularly evident at 3rd Coast, where the crowd is always oh so supportive but I'm sure that you've seen this phenomenon before.

Nearly inevitably, in a belly dance show, there will be a dancer whose technique is just all right or not that great but, damn, she's having fun on stage, she doesn't care what the hell people think, she's just giving it her all... and the crowd reacts to her and give her some lovin'. Meanwhile, another dancer's technique is uber polished and she's hitting all the accents of the piece spot on but it's a little cold because she's holding back or something and the crowd is not reacting nearly as much.

As a fellow dancer, this may leave you scratching your head... but there is one important lesson here: whatever you do, GO ALL OUT!

First off, going all out means also exaggerating things. See, with distance between you being on stage and the audience, your normal smile won't cut it. I joke with my students and tribe sisters to do the "crazy cheerleader on crack smile" to get a smile that will be noticed in the crowd. Many have tried it and, you know what? This is generally just about the right amount of smile that will be noticed.

Secondly, the crowd will react oh so much more if you just give it your all vs. being reserved about it. So, yes, looking like a damn fool will give you more kudos than restraint. The stage ain't a Victorian salon. ;) That being said, that's not to say that you should strive for looking like a fool at all costs. But you know what I mean right?

It's oh so much easier said than done, I know. It took me quite a while to get the hang of it... it's getting much much better.

I know you've most likely heard this one before but it's oh so very true: no one on their death beds (or late in life) will lament "I so wish that I had held back for that performance!" It's rather the opposite.

So go all out! Much better than holding back!

Group Number = Trust!

After we hit a little glitch or two during our performance this past Saturday, it made me ponder on how a group piece is all about trust... ESPECIALLY if we're talking about ATS/ITS. But it's actually true also in choreographed pieces.

That trust is not built overnight but takes time to develop. Depending on your personality, you'll either start with trusting others until proven wrong or mistrusting of others until proven wrong. It's okay. It's normal.

Whichever way you start out, though, the trust is built in the studio in rehearsal time. How can you make people trust you? Well, you need to show up to rehearsals, participate in them, learn what you need to learn, you probably will need to practice on your own too, and just simply be there when you need to be there.

So, for a choreographed piece, if you're the choreographer, you trust that your fellow dancers will learn the choreography and practice it so that the group looks polished and delivers on the choreography's promise. If you're a participant, you trust your choreographer that he/she will do a good job interpreting the music and putting together a cohesive piece that will make the group look good. If it's a choreography built by the group, then you need to trust each other to do all that: learn what needs to be learned, practice, interpret the music correctly, etc. You will also need to trust each other in a group-built choreography that each member can speak his/her mind freely and a healthy discussion can be had about ideas.

When it comes to ATS/ITS, again, there's a whole lotta trust there! As the leader, you trust that the followers will understand your cues. As the followers, you need to trust that your leader will cue the movements correctly. And that's why we drill, right? To get those cues in your body memory.

Note also that whatever I said that you trust the other person to do is what that person needs to deliver. For the trust to be built, you need to deliver on what people trust you to do. ;) And there's nothing like glitches to prove how it's actually going to work.

So, Saturday, one member of our group ended up having a brain fart... but we followed. The ending of the piece didn't go exactly as planned (natural pitfall of dancing to live music) but I made them shimmy the hell out of their bodies and they followed. I didn't even have to turn around to know that they were following. I felt it. Granted, us three who were performing that day have been dancing together for 7 years now so we're VERY familiar with each other. But the point is that, even though we were totally off ITS script, we still were able to deliver a cool performance... because we trusted each other.

When you see a troupe that has great chemistry, the #1 ingredient is trust... even beyond friendship and just liking each other. We've all had friends that we love to pieces but, damn, they're always late, never do what they promised, etc. We still love them, but the trust is not fully there. So the same thing can happen in a group. I dare say that a good chunk of group drama is about this trust issue... and, well, crystal clear communication (but that would be a topic for a whole different blog entry). So, just like I mentioned in my Be A Good Belly Dance Citizen entry (see http://celestesmusings.blogspot.com/2011/08/be-good-belly-dance-citizen.html), you need to do what you said you would to build your trust with your group. And then you have fun moments like shimmying for ever while on stage and get to laugh about it. ;)

Belly Dancers Crowd

I want to go back and expand on some of what I talked about in last week's blog (http://celestesmusings.blogspot.com/2012/01/3-groups-in-crowd.html ). Namely, I want to address the fears around dancing in front of other belly dancers.

It is very common for belly dancers to be afraid of performing in front of other belly dancers. I used to feel like that too and I still do every now and then but that fear has eased substantially over the years.

Fears

One of the biggest fears is that other belly dancers will figure out where you went wrong in your choreography. Really, we don't know. There is no way for us to know where you went wrong in your choreography unless you give it away. So if you have a good poker face, we won't ever know. Heck, there have been a few times when one of my students added in her performance one of our ITS combos but the combo had been tweaked... or so I thought... so I would say something like "I really liked what you did in that combo, how you modified it." and nearly every time, the answer was "OMG! I messed up the combo! I had meant to do it as is." And that is when I teach them the lesson of just saying "Thank you!" :p So, again, I knew what the combo was supposed to be but they had changed it... and I had no way of knowing that it was an accident. ;) There actually is no magic guide that tells me where you went wrong unless you tell me either through your words afterwards or in your face during the performance.

Another fear is that dancers will see all your technical flaws. Well, yes, it's possible that we'll see them. Generally, though, that thought will quickly come and go, especially if you're really flowing with the piece.

You may also fear that another dancer would disagree with how you choreographed the piece. Well, you know, there are many ways to skin a cat. So while, yes, I may have had a different approach, yours is valid too.

Really, what it boils down to is the fear of being judged. Unless you're participating in a belly dance contest, you won't be. Seriously.

Advantages

On the surface, dancing for the general public seems like it's so much easier. And it is easy. But, actually, there are a number of advantages to performing in front of a belly dance audience.

Educated audience

You'll have the benefit of an educated audience. They will know what belly dance is (and isn't) so you don't have to educate them as to that. For example, you won't get the "take it off!" cat calls. But more than the crude comments, they'll actually understand when you're doing a piece that is more folkloric or the intricacies of lead/follow in ATS/ITS or things like that.

Technically savvy

They'll also be technically savvy so your amazing combo won't be lost on them. The general public will have about the same reaction for a simple hip drop vs. an amazingly well layered combo... seriously, they won't see much difference. But the belly dance audience will see the difference. They will also realize when a simple isolation has been very well executed.

Feedback

You can get valuable feedback if you ask the appropriate people (see this previous blog entry on that topic: http://celestesmusings.blogspot.com/2010/09/finally-long-awaited-follow-up-blog-on.html ). I know, you don't want to be judged and all but you can ask someone what they thought about your performance, what can be improved upon, etc. This is material that will help you grow and you simply won't get that from the general audience.

Understanding of your level

For the general public, they won't realize the difference between a belly dancer who has been doing it for 6 months vs. 6 years... so they will lump all performers in the same bucket and judge you equally. So, yes, of course, your performance may not stack up but they won't get that nor why. A belly dance audience will totally understand what your level is and will assess your performance at that level.

We're all in this together

Another thing is EVERYONE who performs gets nervous before going on stage. Seriously. Even Rachel Brice and Ariellah and Tempest and < insert any dancer's name >. So there's this element of "we're all in this together" that brings us closer and makes for a supportive feeling that you won't get from the general public. In the general public, just a few people are performing... in a belly dance crowd, lots of folks will step on that stage... so they understand what it feels like to step on that stage.

Bottom line

So while, yes, a general public audience is less nerve racking, a belly dance audience is not nearly as much of a monster as you make it out to be. I seriously can count on the hands of one hand the events when the belly dance audience wasn't extremely supportive. And I can't think of a time when it was downright hostile. It's really all in your head.

Having seen also a number of dancers who very rarely perform for a belly dance audience, I can also tell you that I've generally seen less improvement in their performance quality than those who routinely dance for belly dance audiences. Again, I strongly believe that you will learn a whole lot about performing by dancing in front of other belly dancers. And they won't judge you the way you think they will.

The 3 groups in the crowd

As most of you who read this regularly know (or if you know me), you know that I used to have stage fright. It's really an irrational fear of looking like a fool on stage. But who's taking notice, right? The audience is. That's who I was afraid of. As I mentioned in the past, really, the audience wants to be entertained and just wants you to do your best. They're really on your side. Logically, that sounds true but I had a hard time believe it...

Until I had a dream. The dream itself wasn't important but it revealed to me the 3 groups in the crowd who will always be there, pretty much wherever you go.

The Fans

These are the audience members who love you whatever you do. Bless their hearts, they make you feel good about yourself. These can be your students if you're a teacher, your teacher if you're the student, people who have seen you progress and grow, your spouse, your family, etc. As you progress in this dance, this group will become larger.

You don't need to worry about these folks when you perform because they will love it, no matter what. You can actually use their positive energy to fuel your dance! I most certainly do that! Finding one of those friendly faces in a crowd is a blessing! Use them to your advantage.

The Haters

Those people will hate what you do, whatever it is. So, yes, the total opposite of The Fans. Now, why they hate what you do may be different depending on the source of their hate. It could be that your style is one that they abhor. It could be because they don't like belly dance in general (that'd be the case when I'm dancing at the restaurant, for example, and I find someone (or a group) who seems to give me dirty looks). It could be because they only like < insert narrow definition of belly dance > and that's not what you're doing.

You also don't need to worry about these folks! There is absolutely no point in spending time and energy worrying about them or trying to convince them that they're wrong. They have passed judgment on you already... oftentimes even before you're hitting the stage. Don't let their attitude bring you down. They will generally not tell you anything anyway so you won't even know much that they're there. But, again, no point in worrying about them.

Interestingly, as you progress in dance, this group can become smaller or bigger! It all depends on so many things.

The Rest aka The Jury

The rest of the folks have no idea who you are, what you do, what you are about, and they're just willing to go along for the ride. So, I called them "the jury" because, simply put, the jury is still out on you. Quite frankly, for all that you may try to bucket folks into each of the categories, the truth is that the bulk of your audience will be in this category. I don't quite like the term "jury" because it's not like they're really passing judgment on you... though they are certainly entitled to have an opinion about your piece, just like everyone else.

Now, should you worry about them? No, actually, you don't even need to worry about them whatsoever! With them, you are actually starting with a completely clean slate and, well, they are taking you in as you're dancing and all.

General Population versus Belly Dancers

So, whether you're doing a show for belly dancers or for the general population, the 3 groups will be there... the proportions may be different, though.

General population

Generally speaking, in a show for the general population, nearly everyone will be in "the jury" category: few people will really have seen belly dance before and, unless they have some misconception of what belly dance is, they will be quite open to the experience. Now, there's a possibility that you will have some "haters" because of said misconceptions. But it's actually a much smaller proportion of people than you'd think. And, quite frankly, I've had a number of folks who have told me that they started with a misconception and I dispelled it. (Happens a lot when I dance at the restaurant.) So they were not full on "haters" but more like "biased jury". :p

Belly dancers

We often feel sooooooooo self-conscious dancing in front of other dancers. You think that they'll figure out where you went wrong and all that. Truth is that, actually, the bulk of the audience will still be in "the jury" category, unless it's a toxic crowd, which happens every now and then... but I think that I can count on one hand the number of times that this happened to me. Really, we're not there to pass judgment on you. Just like the general population, we want you to do your thing. Now, you may find a bit more "haters" in a show for belly dancers but, again, they'll generally be silent so you won't even notice them too much. You will have a whole lot more fans there, though.

Bottom Line

Really, bottom line, for all that these 3 groups are in the audience, there's really no point in worrying about any of them. You can use the fans to your advantage, pulling their positive energy to keep you going. The rest is up to you. Simply put, you need to do the best that you can under the circumstances and the crowd will react whichever way it will react. Some audiences are very supportive; others are not. It's unfortunately part of the performance experience. Learning to deal with each type of support is an important part of learning how to perform. But it's also important to realize that what each group in the audience is thinking about you is totally out of your control.

The only thing that you have control over is what you are actually doing on stage. That's why you prepare these things ahead of time. The day of the performance is the time to execute to the best of your abilities. Be present, in the moment. And don't spend time worrying about what the audience thinks.